Angry is How You Feel. Mean is What You Do.
There’s an important distinction that most couples miss, and we’re betting you haven’t thought about it either. We want to be really clear because we think it can change how you think about any disagreements you might have with other people, especially your partner.
So, here’s it is:
Angry is how you feel. Mean is what you do.
It’s ok to feel angry. It is not ok to be mean to someone – especially if that someone is your partner!
Of course, there will inevitably be moments where you and your partner get angry with each other.
Take for example a couple we were working with not too long before quarantine started. Cassie was angry at her husband, Justin, because he was not helping around the house as much as she wanted. They both worked full-time outside of the house, and while she came home from work and did laundry and cleaned the bathrooms, Justin would turn on the TV.
Clearly, she had every reason to be angry.
But, keep in mind – anger is a warning that something isn’t working for you. It is often the signal that a deeper feeling is being triggered.
Cassie’s angry feelings might be justified, but it does not give her a license to be mean.
After some time, and an honest conversation with Justin, Cassie realized that she was feeling unappreciated and undervalued by her husband because she would come home to do more work while he relaxed. Identifying that underlying feeling was the first step toward finding a solution to their problem.
Notice, though, that Cassie and Justin had to have an honest and open conversation with each other. The way they did this involved a lot of intention about how they talked to each other, and that’s what we worked on in therapy with them.
This is what we wish most couples knew:
Changing the way you say things to each other is a powerful tool to get you what you really need in a difficult situation.
Rather than lashing out in anger, simply adjusting the way you communicate by asking for what you need in that moment will go a long way to getting you the results you want.
For Cassie, that meant that she needed to feel appreciated by her husband. She approached Justin calmly, saying to him first, “I’m really angry. I need to speak, and I need you to listen,” and then telling him that she needed more of his help around the house because she was feeling unappreciated.
As they talked, Justin realized that his behavior was hurting his wife, which is not what he intended at all. Together, they were able to construct a new plan where they both were able to relax when they came home from work, and then work together after dinner and on the weekends to keep the house clean.
Cassie was able to realize that it was Justin’s behaviors that made her angry, not him. He was a good partner who really did want to help his wife.
So…
If you find it hard to think when you're angry, consider creating a list of “say this statements” and refer to them as you get stuck. The more you can avoid being mean, the better off you are for the long haul.