Updated! – Decrease the Amount of Arguing in Your Relationship
Arguing is a part of life and relationships.
When our bodies go into fight or flight, we tend to react and make rash decisions. In an argument with a partner, these hasty choices cause tension and anger that can build and fester. From here, we may not know where to go
There are ways to decrease arguing in your relationship before you get to a point of regret.
First, start to take notice of each argument. If you bicker often and truly argue less, talk out the smaller issues so the bickering stops and your disagreements become just that - moments when you agree to disagree.
End Bickering
Bickering arguments tend to occur when one or both parties feel neglected, or as if they are unimportant.
These arguments may feel almost petty, but because the issue means more to one party than the other, that party may feel minimized, as if they or their feelings do not matter.
This is why we suggest that you schedule time together to talk through these items. Expressing to your partner how you feel without placing blame gives you both an opportunity to fix any minor issues that cause tension. Remember to be an active listener and really hear what your partner says they need, while expecting the same. Try not to hold in the things that bother you. Trust your partner to give them a chance to hear your needs.
Difficult talks greatly differ from smaller disputes. During these moments, you and your partner both need to feel understood. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with one another, just attempt to put yourself in their shoes and ask they do the same.
Here are a few tips to ensure these larger arguments don’t build tension between you both:
Listen Without Interruption
Nothing can frustrate an already tense conversation like interrupting your partner when they are speaking. If you feel you will lose track of what you’d like to say – which, of course, can happen – go back and paraphrase the conversation before you respond, so your response isn’t an overreaction.
If you need to, let your partner know you will write down keywords to remind yourself to comment on those points later. Be sure not to write down whole sentences, just the topic or point you’d like to address once your partner is done speaking. Remember an active listener pays attention, engages, and responds instead of reacts.
Stick to the Topic
When an argument occurs, be sure to keep the conversation on topic. This conversation shouldn’t focus on past experiences or behaviors or other topics, even if they feel connected to the current event. When arguments go off track, all too often, the conversations take a turn to a place unintended, which may mean saying things you don’t mean or didn’t intend to say. This sort of negative communication can turn a simple argument into a full-blown battle.
Fight Fair
First, we want you to remember this person that your’e arguing with is the person that you love. This is your person, your one-and-only, and the one you’ve committed to living your life alongside. With that, we also want you to remember your partner is human and has emotions as well.
For these reasons, you have to work to keep the argument fair and respectful. This means that you don’t raise voices, and instead, you speak in a calm tone that will encourage active listening and well-thought-out responses rather than off-the-cuff reactions.
If the conversation is extremely tense and upsetting, you might decide on a safe word to pause the conversation. We know couples that play a game of “Red Light, Green Light” to express the need to take a break, pause, or signify without argument that a comment or reply is offensive and should be rethought and presented in a different way.
Ultimately, it is imperative to remember that kindness matters. We’re not in elementary school, so we have to put aside name-calling. We want you instead to focus on how you feel and listen to how your partner feels, rather than focusing on how your partner behaves. Remember, you can only control yourself and no one else.
It’s important to know we all give and receive information differently, and that even true for those closest to us. This is why it’s important that you talk about how you need to receive information from your partner, and listen to how you should give it. This is especially important when you feel you are not being heard.
Bickering happens when you or your partner don’t feel heard or valued. We’re sure that if you implement these strategies, you’ll make sure your partner knows they are important to you and that you are invested in finding a solution that works for both of you.