DISCOVER 3 WORDS PROVEN TO PROMOTE HAPPINESS AND REDUCE STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
young couple on beach having fun together
NEWSFLASH: The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is EIGHT YEARS!
That means, in America, there is one divorce every 13 seconds! That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorce per week.
Growing up with many family friends who were high priced lawyers taught me a lot about life. One of the lessons was how it seemed that anytime there was more than one lawyer on a case, the longer the case was going to take to get resolved. Issues that seemed somewhat straightforward had a way of exploding into personal battles between opposing counsel. The saddest part was that many times the cases didn’t settle, and each side just ended up emotionally and financially drained, or sometimes even bankrupt.
It seemed to me like the lawyers were so busy arguing with each other, that nobody was really arguing the case. What was truly astounding was just how easy it was for attorneys from the same team to get stuck on the smallest thing, and this one little detail would essentially render the entire team useless. .
TWo Types Of Couples
We’ve noticed a very similar dynamic in couple’s relationships.
In fact, there seems to be two types of couples who come in for help with with their troubled relationship. We have come to think of couples as either being what we call a "me" couple vs. the "we" couple.
ME couples vs. WE couple
In the "me" couple, it’s each partner for themselves. What we see in “me” couple are two distinct people who happen to be in a relationship.
This can be true of couples who got together last week, or a couple who's been together for 50 years. It's all in the attitude.
In the case of the "me" couple, it is two people who are not really partners. It’s not always as bad as it sounds. In “me” couples, partners may love each other; they may be happy. Still, the simple fact is that in everyday life together they just don't operate as effectively in love, at home. and at work as the "we" couples we see seem to do.
When you meet a "we" couple, there is no question that they are in love and working as a team. You can hear it in the words they use, in their body language, and it really shows up in how they handle day-to-day challenges that come. When they have successes or problems in life, the “we” couples view it as something that is happening to both of them.
It really is that easy
It turns out that if you want to see dramatic increases in the quality of your relationship, it is as easy as changing 3 words you already know.
Recently, researchers at UC Berkley completed a study that showed that when couples used words like "we," "our" and "us", they actually experience less stress and were more positive toward each other. In fact, it turns out that couples that use “we-type” pronouns are actually much better able to resolve conflicts that arise.
And as you might have guessed, when couples used pronouns like "me," "I" and "you," partners were found to be less satisfied in their marriages than couples used the language of “us “ and “we.” It really is true that Happy couples would say things like, “ We had a lovely day at the BBQ” or, “We’re having the craziest time getting the kids to sleep on time.”
Why This Simple Strategy Really Works
When a couple uses the language of “we”, it suggests that they have an unconscious bond and have formed a sense of being a part of a team. For these couples, life is happening to them together.
Sure, “we” couples will fight; in fact they may even not fight nicely. It’s not that the “we” couples have fewer problems than anyone else, it’s that they cope is better. Here is their secret:
Rather than wasting time and energy blaming each other, “we” couples see a challenge or issue as something that they both need to solve.
A Shift In Your Approach Changes Everything
Another tip from the happier "we" couples is to simply take themselves less seriously.
They strive for progress not perfection, and are unsurprised when things don't go as planned. Rather than coming from a "here we go again, things are never going to change," kind of place when the car keys can’t be found, a "we" couple will quickly bemoan the fact that this happened to "us" and move on. Of course, keys do get misplaced, and there needs to be a way to find them.
Here is how it goes in a “we” couple — After a few days of lost keys, they decide to adopt the simple solution of getting a key holder for the front entryway. That night, she goes online and orders a brass key holder for the entryway wall. Three days later, he takes care of a few simple screws. Voila! Problem is solved. They get to work on time, and the flow of life continues.
"Me" couples love to get stuck pointing fingers and blaming each other. They might yell about the keys being lost, and accuse each other of being at fault. Each partner storms off, they don't resolve the issue quickly, they don't get to work on time, and they feel crummy as the newest spiral downward commences.
The three words you need
Becoming a less stressed out "we" couple can be as simple as starting to use the “we” word more. It turns out that if you just start using the language of “we” more and more in your relationship, your unconscious mind kind of takes care of the rest. So, the other 2 super charged words you will want to add into your couple’s vocabulary are “us” and “our.”
If you need a little help to get to a place where you can start using the “we” word, we suggest that you try taking a trip down memory lane. Take some time to think of things that brought you together and keep you together. There was a time when you really were a team, and that you were really crazy about each other.
Relationship research has also shown the positive power of talking together about the “good old days” or reminiscing about other positive memories. Turns out a trip down memory lane is good for the soul.
Take A Lesson From The “We” Couples Handbook
If you want to be happy and live with less stress, take a lesson from the “we” couples and resist the urge to blame.
Instead of pointing fingers, take a deep breath and try to move immediately into problem-solving. Learning to exercise this kind of movement and restraint is what will create real and lasting change in your relationship.
You can’t do this without also practicing being kinds to each other. It is important to remember to think of your spouse as your partner. Seize chances to ask for their opinion and their input, so that decisions begin to be made together in an atmosphere that doesn't survive on blame and judgment.
Like the lawyers that I saw as a kid spending so much time and money on things that only seemed to delay the resolution of their cases, it’s a similar dynamic in “me” couples where judgment causes the team to argue, and worse, the partners stop even suggesting ideas for fear that anything they say can and will be used against them.
If you want to be happier, less stressed and feel like you have a partner by your side to handle all that life throws your way, then focus on fostering an atmosphere of cooperation in your relationship.
Take A Break From “Me” Couples For A While
Be aware that other people's negative “me” centered expressions and attitudes can influence even the best relationships.
For a while, you might think about taking a break from other “me” centered couples. Instead, consider insulating yourselves as a couple while you are building your new or renewed "we" approach.
It’s So Simple and Delivers Amazing Results!
It really is true, and we have seen it over and over again in the couples that we work with. They all ask us what is something that we can do right now to take the first step forward to shift how things are going in our relationship today. We share with them that deciding to use the language of “we”, “us” and “our” is the absolute first fundamental step that every couple should be taking if they want to he happier, resolve conflict easier, and decrease chronic relationship stress in their relationship.
Once they adopt this new approach they find that it is easier to see things differently, deal with challenges together, and treat each other with more kindness.
It's a super simple shift that promises rapid results that last.
