Updated! – Releasing Resentment in Your Relationship
When you feel wronged by another person, you naturally feel frustrated. If your ability to directly express your feelings of frustration is restricted, resentment develops.
Resentment results from the compounding of the initial feelings of frustration with the inability to express those feelings. It is especially powerful when experienced within our primary relationships, particularly with a spouse or romantic partner.
Why Resentment Works
Resentment serves as a defense for us against painful feelings. Instead of continually carrying our pain and being forced to keep feeling it ourselves, we assign our pain to someone or something outside of us.
Projecting our painful feelings onto someone else temporarily allows us to avoid feeling it ourselves. It feels safer and more comfortable to feel resentful towards someone else instead of carrying our pain within ourselves. However, resentment becomes its own burden for us to carry. Avoiding pain by projecting it onto someone else works temporarily, but builds up within us until the resentment is its own festering sore.
Feeling The Pain
The first step in releasing resentment is to be willing to feel the initial hurt. We must be able to look under the surface of the resentment and find the true pain. Often, there is a core feeling that you are avoiding. Maybe you feel you are not good enough, or maybe you feel that you are not worthy of love.
Once the core issue has been identified, you must work through those feelings, experiencing them fully. This step is painful, and may well involve tears, but it is important to truly engage with these feelings. Once you are willing to feel and process your hurt, you no longer need the resentment. You can let go of its heavy burden.
Taking Back Your Power
In processing the underlying painful feelings, you must be willing to understand what part you might have played in contributing to the pain of the situation. This does not mean that you are fully responsible. Taking on all the blame and making the entire situation your fault is not helpful, and it is also not true. However, just as it is not all your fault, it is not entirely your partner’s fault.
When you acknowledge your own part in contributing to the situation, you are taking back your own personal power to impact change. If you believe the situation had nothing to do with you, then you are denying yourself any power to improve your relationship. If you can recognize that you played a part in creating the painful situation, then you will be able to recognize your power to positively influence change.
Reframing Limitations
The next step in working through your resentment is noticing that your partner has a particular state of mind and a particular way of seeing life. Every person has a unique perspective, and your partner’s actions are ultimately consistent with their unique awareness, skills, and perceptions of the situation.
It is true that if your partner was wiser and more aware, then they would be able to act differently, but the reality is your partner only has the limited awareness that he or she has, just as you only have your own limited perspective.
Helping Your Partner To Get Things Right The Next Time
For a relationship to be successful, you need to acknowledge that your partner is doing the best they can from their unique perspective. They have their own way of seeing the world, and it’s limited by their own experiences, thoughts, and feelings. This is true for you too. And each of you are reacting to each other from these limitations.
You can help your partner by not simply settling for their lack of knowledge and limitations, and instead helping them understand what took place that did not get said in the moment, but certainly was felt when the resentment was created. You need to help them understand your perspective.
A Powerful Tool
So, we have a quick and powerful formula for structuring this kind of discussion with your partner.
Find a time when you can spend about 15 minutes in a calm and focused place with your partner, free of distractions like cell phones or interruptions. Explain that you would like to take a minute to talk about something that happened between the two of you. Let them know that your intention is not to blame or shame them, and in fact, the goal is to learn how to do things better as a couple should a similar situation occur in the future. Emphasize this by using a kind and loving tone, so they know you mean what you’re saying.
Alert your partner that all they have to do is listen, and either agree or not agree with your request once they have heard it.
Here is the 3 step template of exactly what to say to your partner:
1. When You…
2. I Felt…
3. Therefore, What I Would Like Is…
It would sound something like:
1. When you were late for my birthday dinner…
2. I felt like you didn’t value me or my special day…
3. Therefore, what I would like is that when we agree on a time for a special day like birthdays, you would do your very best to be there on time.
It is then that your partner responds with a simple phrase like “Yes. I will do that, and thank you for caring enough about me to be honest.”
That is it. It is a simple way to get your feelings heard in your relationship while also increasing your partners knowledge and insight about your needs so that they will be able to do a better job next time.
Are You Willing To Release Resentment?
Are you willing to forgive your partner for not being wiser and more aware? Are you willing to forgive your partner for acting consistently with his or her limited ability? Are you willing to forgive your partner for the damage that was caused? Are you willing to express your true and honest feelings with your partner? Are you willing to take a risk to release past pain?
Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other partner. Forgiveness is a choice that you make to let go of your resentment. It is a choice to free yourself from the recurring pain, to choose to not re-experience it over and over again.
Today, consider letting go of a single piece of your resentment, so that you can get on with your life and have peace in your relationship. You might well be surprised by how much better you feel when you choose to release even one small bit of resentment.