Updated – Why Did I Marry You Anyway?
Just like a house you are going to remodel, the first step is usually deciding what you want to keep and what needs to go. You decide together what parts you like and want to keep and what parts are seriously broken, not working, or you just don’t like anymore.
Remodeling your relationship works in much the same way.
In every couple, there are going to be things that work, that you do well, or that just feel good. Knowing what those pieces are in your relationship that you want to keep is a critical step in the rebuilt process.
If your having a hard time wondering what works or what are the good parts of your relationship, you can ask yourself this question:
“What was it initially about your partner that you found so great that you ultimately decided to marry them?”
These are usually a persons strengths.
Whatever is not working is what you will want to unplug from, demolish, and get rid of. You might even have some parts that you both agree are just so awful that your going to get rid of them first, just so that you can see what things might look like with that ugly part of your relationship gone. These are usually your partner’s weaknesses.
Take it down to the studs
Realize that most people remodel their relationship by just adding onto or building over what is already there that hasn’t been working. This is a little like trying to put frosting over a super burnt cake. It might look O.K. on the outside, but on the inside it is something that no matter how good it looks, is going to be awful.
So instead of just piling a bunch of new skills on top of your old broken down skills, we think of it more like you would when you see those professional home shows on television. They keep a few key items, then they take it down to the bare studs and floors, carefully rebuilding from the foundation up.
Getting rid of anything you know that does not work also opens up your ability to see any other issues or concerns that might have been covered up before.
USE a strengths-based approach
When you of spend all that time, resources, and effort trying to get yourself or your partner to make a weakness into a strength, guess what? You’re using what is known as a “Weakness-Based Approach.” The name even sounds bad!
If you want to be super successful at remodeling your relationship, try changing your approach.
Imagine a relationship based upon what you’re already good at and making it into something great. Basing your relationship your strengths, and not on your weaknesses is what is called using a “Strengths-Based” approach.
We all have attributes, some of which are our strengths, and we all have some things that we would not consider strengths. Some attributes are really strong, while others are rather weak.
Imagine a scale from 1 to 10 with one being very weak and a 10 being very strong. Understanding the simple fact that it is just not realistic for all of our attributes to be rated at an 8 or a 9. Frankly, the attributes that score an 8 or a 9 do not really need much attention.
Our attention is focused instead on turning a 5 into an 8 or a 9, so that they offset our weaker attributes.
It is freeing to take a realistic look at our abilities and accepting the fact that trying to take a weakness, or what we are calling a 2, and pull it all the way up to a strength usually results in only mediocre outcomes at best. The endless amounts of time, resources, and energy usually end up at a 5 at best, despite all your best efforts.
From those strength based places, we ask couples to do certain behaviors that build upon the good of a relationship, and in doing so, restore trust and put the “liking” back into the “loving” part of a relationship. We rebuild on these loving behaviors to restore and replace painful and hurtful behaviors with loving ones.
Ask yourself the question — “What Do I bring To This Relationship?” What contributions do I make to this relationship – emotional, financial, physical or other?
Our advice to you is forgot about trying to turn your weaknesses intro strengths, or as we say, why spend your whole life trying to turn a 2 into a 5? Instead, why not think about turning a 5 into a 10?
We hope you can see why we have seen such great results using this Strength-Based Approach to grow the good parts of relationships, and remodel way couples experience each other.
Want more relationship help? Download our free guide covering the most common brick walls relationships deal with and how to break through them.