Shut Up and Listen!
You likely know your partner well. You’ve been together for awhile now, so you can guess what they're going to order from the local coffee shop before you even get to the counter. You know that they prefer their burgers medium well, their Diet Coke with lots of ice, and that they’d rather not see brussel sprouts end up on their plate.
Even so, regardless of how long you’ve been together, you cannot read your partner’s mind!
The trouble is, we can get tricked into thinking that we can. When this happens, and we start to assume we know what our partner is thinking and feeling, an argument can spiral into an all out combat situation.
So, we’ve got a surefire way to cut your negative conversations in half:
STOP talking and LISTEN to your partner’s complaint.
Keep in mind that what is really bothering your partner may seem like no big deal to you, or seems too “dumb” to warrant a discussion. Beware! This is the giant booby trap couples fall into over and over and over. The fact is that if it matters to your partner, and you want to be a supportive partner, then it better matter to you.
Let’s take for example John and his wife of 20 years, Mary-Ann.
They used to fight about running the air conditioner at night. She would toss and turn all night until she couldn’t take anymore. So, finally, one night Mary-Ann spoke up truthfully and told John that it is not the temperature that is the issue, it is that at night her mind is very aware of every sound in the house. The air conditioner closet was outside the bedroom, and every night she was disturbed by a series of clicks and whirs and motor noises that seemed endless.
Like many people, Mary-Ann felt her request was too eccentric, and she was embarrassed. John was thrilled to put insulation in the a/c closet and close the bedroom door at night and the problem was solved.
Sometimes the right answer is just that easy.
If John had operated on the assumption that it was the temperature that was bothering his wife, he would have missed a chance to meet her real need and develop further closeness in their relationship because he took the time to listen.
If you want to help avoid hard conversations from turning into quarrels, then one of the keys is quite simply to do what John did – keep your mouth shut and listen.