The Small Stuff Matters
How many times have you said you would do something and it doesn't get done? You think it wasn't that big of a deal, but even those little promises are important.
Vince and his wife, Abby, ran into problems in their relationship when the little let-downs piled up into a big mess.
While Vince didn’t mean to do any harm to his wife or their marriage, and still, every time he failed to clean up after dinner, or take out the trash, or pick up milk on his way home from work, he let Abby down.
After years of seemingly small infractions, Abby had reached her breaking point. She felt like Vince wasn’t listening to her, and hadn’t been listening for years. Beyond that, Abby felt like she couldn’t count on Vince to come through for her. She was sure that coming to see us was their last chance to fix things, and if that didn’t work, she was out the door.
It was clear to us that Vince and Abby’s marriage wasn’t a total loss, but that they needed to work to improve their communication skills – and they needed to do it quickly.
Listen up!
When you are just hearing your partner and not truly listening, you might hear that your partner wants you to do something, and it doesn’t lodge in your brain as a priority.
This is where Vince and Abby ran into trouble. Vince wasn’t really listening to his wife when she was making requests to him.
For example, when Abby needed Vince to stop for milk on his way home for work so that she could finish dinner that night, Vince was finishing his work day. He was returning the last couple of emails to his clients, and making sure he had everything together for his meetings the next day. He registered that Abby needed him to do something, but the specifics of what she asked were lost as he readied himself to leave work for the day.
We suggested to them that Vince fold it into his routine to text or call Abby after he left the office and before he drove home, that way his focus could be totally on what she needed.
For the times that Vince was at home, we had another simple suggestion for them to try.
When Abby asked Vince to clean up after dinner while she went to give their kids a bath, for example, we asked Vince to repeat the request back to her. So, Vince would say something to Abby like, “While you are giving the kids a bath, I will load the dishwasher with the dinner dishes, then we can watch another episode of our show when the kids fall asleep.”
Repeating and rephrasing what Abby asked allows Vince to confirm that he heard her, and allows both of them to be certain that they are on exactly the same page.
Because it matters!
We recommend that couples rephrase what gets said, so there is no miscommunication that can lead to hurt feelings.
Because the truth is, If we don't value what our partner is saying or asking, we are not putting them first. This is why follow-through is such a vital part of a relationship! It lets your partner know that they are important to you, and that you can be counted on.
Keeping your promises, even in the small things, reinforces to your partner that they are safe with you.
This is exactly why the small stuff matters.