Updated! – The Small Stuff Matters
Micro-betrayals erode the very foundation of your relationship.
Probably dozens of times throughout the day, your partner forgets to do something; breaks a promise; arrives late or leaves too early, or forgets an appointment altogether; or makes another big mess.
When confronted with their actions, they think that simply saying, "I’m sorry" (again) will somehow make everything magically O.K. What the offending partner doesn’t realize is that it’s not the big stuff that usually destroys relationships. The small stuff – the little things that happen again and again, over a long period of time – destroys the loving relationship. We like to refer to these over-and-over-again episodes as “micro betrayals,” which seem at the moment like no big deal at all. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Those pesky little things add up, and while no single act is that big of a deal, when they start adding up and multiplying, then you’ve got a real problem.
Over time, these little things start to feel like termites ferociously eating away at the foundation of your relationship. What’s left is a relationship filled with holes, destroyed one little termite-sized bite at a time. This leaves the disappointed partner feeling like, “Hey - if I can't trust him to deliver on the everyday stuff, how in the world can I count on them with the the bigger stuff?”
Left untreated, your partner’s unreliable nature creates distance and resentment, and eventually the relationship could collapse or implode. Meanwhile, the offending partner is oblivious to any problem whatsoever, thinking everything is totally “fine.” What an unpleasant surprise when they are confronted with a spouse who has finally had enough.
Remember, in relationships the daily micro-betrayals really do have an enormous impact on the sustainability of your relationship.
You can’t change your partner – certainly, if you could, you would have done it by now. So, what can you do to alter this destructive course?
Learn to talk to your partner every day. You might chit-chat about your days, but we want to highlight how important it is that you express genuine gratefulness to your partner every day. This means that you are emphasizing the positive, telling your partner how much you value their uniqueness, or the way they does something that you really appreciate. It’s easy to let this get a little cheesy or put-on, so you want to only tell the truth and express genuine appreciation, so you partner knows you really mean what you are saying.
Be honest always, even when it’s hard. In the same way, when something is done that sends you through the roof, explain those feelings, too.
Leave out absolutes. “You always do this!” or “You never remember that!” are problem phrases. In a relationship, things are rarely so cleanly black-and-white, so steer clear of drawing lines of “always” and “never.”
Avoid negatives. Instead of focusing on what your partner isn’t doing right and blaming them for what they didn’t do, try instead tell them that you need to talk about something that happened, and then gently explain. The purpose of talking is not to condemn and bring up a laundry list of things done wrong. Rather, the purpose is to bring awareness of the situation from your perspective and lovingly talk about the repercussions of the event.
Let’s root what we’re saying in an example.
Maybe you come home from work to find that your wife started planting some flowers along the walkway in the morning, and then when she was about halfway through, decided to go into the kitchen and bake bread. The flowers she planted look like they may survive, but the ones still in the cartons are hot and drooping and appear to be about half-baked from the blazing sun. Dirt is all over the sidewalk, and the shovel, rake, hoe, the hose, which is still on and spurting water, and fertilizer are scattered over the sidewalk. It’s a mess.
Inside the house, it smells almost wonderful, like the aroma of freshly baked bread, but with a hint of burn to it. It seems as though your beloved may have forgotten to set the timer again. Your wife is tired, but happy for all that she has done today, and she desperately wants your approval and appreciation. Never mind that the yard and the kitchen (and your wife!) are a mess, and the flowers are drooping and the bread is burned. “It’s not burned,” she explains with a grin and a wink, “It’s only a little brown on the edges.”
Dare you burst her bubble by saying something now? The results may not be what you really want or expect from an adult, but she really has worked hard all day and is eager to share with you. But you know from experience that it could literally be days or weeks before she gets back out to finish up the flowers. You groan inwardly as you ask yourself if this is going to be a repeat of last year when she left the same project unfinished all summer long?
What do you do? What should you do? How do you turn this into a positive?
Now is your time to express heart-felt appreciation.
Look at the things she did get done. Tell her the flowers she planted are beautiful and will be a wonderful, colorful addition to the front of your house. Tell her the bread smells good enough to eat, even the “brown edges” will be good with butter, and then smile at her and wink. Then, suggest that after dinner the two of you could go outside and spend time together finishing up the planting.
The positives are accentuated. Your wife is appreciated. The mess provides the two of you “together time,” and by the end of the day, it can be all nice and neat.
Will it happen this way every time? No. But, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to turn frustrating situations around every time.
Let us reiterate – you aren’t going to change your spouse. They are who they are, and you are who are. You can control you and your reactions, so focus on how you react to each situation.
Learning to look at situations a little differently – attacking a problem with kindness and love – can make all the difference in the world regarding your marriage.
However, if you think you may not be getting anywhere in your marriage, seek professional counsel, so you don’t drive yourself crazy or give up on the relationship.
You can get there; be patient with your partner, and be patient with yourself.