Updated! – When Trying Harder Fails, It’s Time to Do Things Differently
Simply trying harder in a relationship that is being strained isn’t always going to make things better.
When couples do everything in their power to improve a relationship, and it stays the same or gets worse, it’s easy to feel disappointed, hopeless, and even angry. That is when it is time to ask these questions as a couple:
How long are we going to keep doing things that simply don’t work?
Are we willing to let go of conventional ways of doing things and embrace non-traditional strategies?
Can we tolerate making adjustments to new strategies before going back to what hasn’t worked?
Can we accept and implement whatever solution the other partner thinks might work without judgement?
How willing are we as a couple to work together to find an effective solution?
Instead of just trying harder at making a relationship work, it’s imperative that couples try a different approach. This simply means using strategies that take into consideration how both people can work together toward a healthier relationship.
It’s easy for an individual in a relationship to fall into a pattern of blaming their partner for causing the issues within the relationship. It is also easy for the an individual to simply blame themselves. Blame is ineffective, and can be used as an excuse to not move forward. Blame separates you and your partner, and he focus should be on the positive changes that bring you closer together.
If there is a lack of experience it becomes easy for one person to attempt to take over and teach their partner how to do things “properly.” This can leave the affected partner feeling unloved, defeated, and - even worse - stupid.
This is why we emphasize “different.” It is important to understand that different approaches, which is to say ones that are outside your usual habit, can lead to success, stability, and positive relationships. “Different” is a very important mental step that needs to be the first one that is taken.
When both partners in a relationship make an effort to get creative and try different approaches, then relationships can improve. Instead of attempting to work harder at things that haven’t worked in the past, take a few minutes to analyze what did work and what didn’t work in a particular situation. Over time, and with practice, couples can find the approach that works and continue to make progress towards a stable, healthy relationship.