Embracing Forgiveness
Historian Thomas Fuller observes, "He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven."
Without forgiveness, your life becomes an endless cycle of anger, resentment, and retaliation.
Resentment is essentially a diet in your relationship that consists of bitterness and bad feelings, finished off with a painful dose of anger. If not kept in check, resentment can become like hot lava flowing from a volcano, covering everything in its path with waste and destruction, the likes of which are not easily undone.
To release resentment, you are wise to practice the art of forgiveness, so that you can stop being stuck dwelling on the past, and then, put your energy into the present moment. In a relationship as important as that which you have with your current partner/spouse, it is wise to remember that practicing forgiveness frees you from the poisonous effects of resentment.
So, the question becomes how do you forgive?
John Gottman and his team of researchers at the Gottman Institute emphasize the need for repair attempts in the moment.
These are, according to Gottman, “any action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” Notice the word any here. Because every relationship is different, there’s no one right way to make a repair attempt. It is up to you and your partner to figure out what works for the two of you to de-escalate an emotionally heated moment, so you can get back on working toward a solution together.
Whatever strategy you choose, it is important that you and your partner each work toward giving and receiving repair attempts. If one partner is the only one making attempts to dissolve conflict, the imbalance will take its toll over time – and resentment will build.
Gottman, who is known for his ability to predict if a couple will get divorced, has found that “the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future.”
The key to making a good repair attempt is knowing how your partner receives love. Gottman suggests that if your partner responds well to gift, going to get her a flower or her favorite Starbucks drink during a fight might be a good plan. Or if your partner thrives on words of affirmation, Gottman suggests trying to reassure him that you value him, even if you’re mad at him in the moment over something he did or didn’t do.
One of Gottman’s research partners, Zach Brittle, had a couple he worked with who met at a Super Bowl party. They literally “throw a flag” – a yellow dish cloth – when things get heated and a time-out needs to be called. This plays on how the met, and adds a little levity to a tense moment.
The point is that you and your partner figure out what works for you because making and receiving repair attempts – and working toward forgiveness – is essential for a healthy, happy relationship.