Updated! – HOW TO STOP BLAMING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
When you blame your partner, it’s like handing off to them the pain you don’t want to feel.
Usually, when someone blames another person for something, it’s not because they want their partner to feel pain or feel bad about themselves, but because they want to get rid of the pain.
The problem with trading blame is that nothing gets worked out; nothing gets solved. Nothing is ever actually evenly traded. Blaming doesn’t get rid of pain or frustration; it just shares it with those in the system.
The other person is left defending themselves, and no progress is made. Blaming only makes others feel bad, and no one is any closer to resolving the situation.
If you find yourself locked into some serious blame trading, consider saying something like:
"I can see we both want to blame each other for this. For now, let’s just take one issue at a time, and when we’re satisfied with the attention we’ve given it, we can come back to what it is we are each responsible for and discuss those things one at a time.”
To get rid of blame, you need to take responsibility. Even if the issue truly isn’t your fault, you can help remove the anxiety, frustration, and blame by apologizing, and by assuming the best about your partner. That is to say, assume your partner didn’t mean to do whatever it is you’re blaming then for.
When you do something wrong, you don’t want to be blamed or attacked for it. And it’s safe to say your partner doesn’t want to be blamed either.